Have you heard of celery juice? If not, which rock have you been living under? I’d like to come knock on your rock and tell you about celery juice.

I am not a nutritionist, or really much of anything other than a smartass. I only decided to try celery juice this morning because a close friend touted its benefits to me. Regardless of my credentials, or lack thereof, I am down to drink something possibly beneficial.

This “recipe” for celery juice, if you can even call it that, will perhaps be the shortest that will ever appear on this site.

BASIC ASS CELERY JUICE

Ingredients:

• 3-4 stalks of celery
• 16 ounces of filtered, cold water
• TOOLS: a high powered blender and a piece of cheesecloth / paper towel

Directions:

1. Get out of bed. According to the internets, it’s important to drink celery juice first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach.
2. Measure 16 ounces of filtered water and pour it into the blender. I have a Vitamix that I had to strip and shake booty for 9 months to afford; use whatever kind of blender that you have!

3. Wash and chop the celery. Put it in the blender. Make sure to wash your celery! Celery can be dirty, just like I was when I was shaking it for my Vitamix.

4.Blend on high for approximately 20 seconds. The water will turn a delightfully bright green color.

5. Strain the celery mixture through a paper towel or cheesecloth to remove the pulp.

Enjoy! (Or, at least try to.)

Now that the “recipe” is out of the way, I’d like to answer some FAQs that you might have:

How does it taste?

• I have a very high tolerance for drinking green, gross things first thing in the morning. Several times a week, I drink a kale smoothie first thing in the morning. I will share the recipe for it one day soon, but, spoiler alert: my kale smoothie is basically only a sh*t ton of kale, unsweetened almond milk, and a handful of blueberries…so, it’s disgusting. In comparison to that, this celery juice was nice and refreshing and quite palatable. I think using the higher amount of water makes it go down easily, too. I drank it all at once. Make sure to use cold water. I find that gross things are way better served cold, you know, like revenge.

Did it make you poop?

• I successfully evacuated my personal chambers this morning, but I do not attribute doing so to the celery juice. Thanks for asking, tho!

Did it make your stomach upset?

• Amazingly, no, it did not, even though I have a pretty finicky stomach. It took me a while to build up the tolerance for the aforementioned kale smoothies, but I had no trouble at all with the celery juice. I drank it and basically forgot that I had done so. No big deal. I will report back on another blog post about the affects of continued consumption, however, since I bought TWO WHOLE bunches of celery.

That’s it. How do you feel about celery juice and its purported benefits? Let me know what you think in the comments!